Groaning men
and tracks
of women who know
the carnal gaze
of tattooed jazz
in deep bass
as we’re heading down
a heated core
the violent shore
of tribal pound
a prophet’s sound
that says...
we're
we're
m
e
l
t
i n g
down a hole
of earthly flesh
with three stops left
Note: written for the dVersePoet prompt, "Subway."
Killer last line! I like this one!
ReplyDeletehttp://charleslmashburn.wordpress.com/2012/04/14/ah-the-aroma/
dude...love the rhyming through the middle...the flow of this is top notch...even got some concrete...love the movement...smiles.
ReplyDeleteThat's and creative way to explain riding on a subway. Love it.
ReplyDeletehttp://leah-jamielynn.typepad.com/blog/2012/04/a-day-on-the-platform.html
This did it all! Down into the core - a hole of earthly flesh - true, too. Always that little rearrangement as the train slows, people standing moving toward a seat as other inch closer to the doors while still seeming polite. It's a kind of tyndall effect but with people. Well constructed and presented!
ReplyDeleteWonderful sound...great work!
ReplyDeleteI could almost hear music playing to this. Very well crafted, and made me remember what it's like going down that hole.
ReplyDeletevery cool...you take this much deeper than jus down to the subway...and then you get us back on track with the closure again...i like
ReplyDeleteGreat write, really enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI would not wish to go down that hole. LOL It all sounds too much for a slightly claustrophobic.
ReplyDeleteGreat write.
I like the earthly flesh and carnal gaze as we go down the tunnel ~ Nice one ~
ReplyDeleteSo nice- love the 'melting'- there's an economy of words here but this says everything and more- just bought the images of the subway and all it's colour straight into my mind
ReplyDeleteThis really gets me, and the allusion to the Wizard is very apt, given the fantasyland that the subway can be. I got the rush and crush of the experience and think you capture in a very real way the reality of those rides. There's always so much going on underground, so I think getting to the heart of it can be extremely difficult. You have done it with a living moment of words.
ReplyDeleteSome time soon those steps are not going to stop going down. Was late when I wrote mine so now a video performance in place
ReplyDeleteThat last line really seals it. Cool write.
ReplyDeletehole of earth flesh -> very eeerie
ReplyDeletealive on subway senryu
Love the different take on the prompt, very creative. The projection on melting is very cool as well, very nicely done. thanks
ReplyDeleteWonderful imagery.
ReplyDeleteThoughtful in its simplicity. Great write!
ReplyDeleteHank